Amazon MGM Studios is taking creative control of the 62 year old James Bond franchise. Bond will be just another Amazon employee.
From: Henchmen Relations (HR for short)
To: James Bond
Subject: Welcome to Amazon
Welcome to Amazon! We’re excited to have you join our team. While MI6 may have given you a license to kill, here at Amazon we are big on returns. We are delighted to extend the Return to Office offer to you.
We understand you’re used to working from exotic locations. However, all employees must be in the office three days a week. We are told that you have undertaken a few high-speed chases Aston Martin over extended periods. They do not qualify for “long commute” and you will not be shown any leniency. You will be reimbursed for Uber rides that are used for office work.
1. Prime Deadlines Are Non-Negotiable
Your missions must now be completed within 24 hours, especially for Amazon Prime members. You may be aware that we are recruiting your successor. If I were you I would never miss the deadline for a Prime Member.
3. Alexa is Your New Q
Instead of relying on Q for gadgets, you’ll now use Alexa for all mission-critical operations. We have added lots of new skills to Alexa. Two most recent ones are:
“Alexa, disable the villain”
“A martini. Shaken, not stirred.”
4. Meeting behavior
In meetings, any snide remarks or misogynist jabs at women, will be seen as endorsement of the recruiting team’s effort to find your replacement faster. When asked a question, avoid sayings like, “Do you expect me to talk?” / “No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!”
5. Two-Pizza Teams
At Amazon we believe a team should be small enough that two pizzas can feed everyone—typically around 6-10 people. Please follow this policy even as you travel. You will be expected to split a pizza with the Data Analytics team.
We look forward to your contributions at Amazon.
If you have any questions, please contact HR (Henchmen Relations).
